I said, “Lord, who are you…really?”
He said, “I am the purity that you seek.
I have no need to exist.
I simply am”
For the past year or so, I have been practicing approaching the Lord without ego.
It takes a lot of practice. It may always take a lot of practice.
Approaching without ego, in my case, means not asking for forgiveness, or protection, or saying “I’m sorry”. It means being very, very real…and transparent…and saying “this is me. I’m imperfect, yes, but I don’t expect you to fix that. It just is. I just am. And I accept your love, as it is offered, in spite of that and any feelings of unworthiness that I may continue to harbor.”
More recently – within the past week or so – I’ve been trying to approach with even greater purity. Something in me tells me there is a key here, that I can know Him better if I can strip myself even more of those nasty “jealousies and fears”, and expectations, and needs – except perhaps on behalf of others. I’ve gotten better and better at trusting that, “something tells me” knowledge.
This morning, I processed the following thoughts:
I want to love Jesus not because He is the resurrected Lord, even if He is.
I want to love Jesus not because He is the source of salvation, even if He is.
I want to love Jesus not because He has the power and desire to protect, or grant righteous desires, or purify, even if He has that power.
I want to love Jesus not because He died on the cross, or wrought the atonement, and saved me from my sins, even if He did.
These reasons all seem kind of selfish to me, like I love Him because of what He can do for me.
No, I want to love the Jesus radically, without condition, and not for what He has done, or can do, or will do for me.
No, I want to love Jesus because of who He is!
I want to love Jesus because He is infinitely kind and patient.
I want to love Jesus because He is the very manifestation of grace, which I define as the willingness to love and accept someone for who they are…now!
I want to love Jesus because He is integrity, and honesty, and purity, with no deceit in Him.
I want to love Jesus because He listens without judgment and with complete empathy, and I somehow know that.
I want to love Jesus because He is that friend with whom I can share anything and everything.
I want to love Jesus because He is the perfect example of the pure love of Christ.
I want to love Jesus because I have become very, very comfortable with Him, with whatever presence we can work out together, with His voice, and with Him abiding in me.
I think that, if I can learn to love Him in this way, I can truly know Him. I also think that, somehow, if I can learn to simply love Him for who He is, His being will somehow reflect back to me. Not sure how that would work, but something tells me that it does.
And I’ve gotten better and better at trusting that, “something tells me” knowledge.
I think that’s called “Faith”, by the way.
I think if I can learn to love Him in this way, maybe I can learn to love others in this way – for who they are…now…and not for what I think they can do for me.
I think if I can learn to love Him in this way, I can become love. And that is the great desire in my life.
I guess, when you look at it that way, I’m still being kind of selfish.