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Looking for You – A Love Song

I left Norman Oklahoma in 1979
With a dream and a guitar
and a love song burning insided-28 pic
I fell in love with the bottle but her promises all fell through
And little did I know the whole time I was looking for you

Looking for you
Looking for you
I wandered and I rambled
But I kept on looking for you
Looking for you
Looking for you
Little did I know the whole time I was looking for you

There were pretty painted ladies
But they all had something to hide
I did a dance with the devil
But he filled my head with lies
I chased the sun and moon
Howling for my dream come true
Little did I know the whole time I was looking for you

Looking for you
Looking for you
Yeah I searched the world over
But I never stopped looking for you
Looking for you
Looking for you
Little did I know the whole time I was looking for you

Now we’re driving down the road
Heading towards that great divide
Got my dream and my guitar
And my sweet love by my side
I’ve got the sun and the moon
Shining on my dream come true
And I’m thankin’ the Lord that I never stopped looking for you

Looking for you
Looking for you
I thank the Lord
That I never stopped looking for you
Looking for you
Looking for you
Little did I know the whole time I was looking for you
I wandered and I rambled but I never stopped looking for you
I searched the world over but I never stopped…looking for you

I began writing this song two weeks ago while was standing alone over a 2’x5′ screen assembly, sifting weeds, grass, and other undesirable matter from the dirt in a 20’x40′ foot garden plot. It was mindless work, indeed, and perfect for receiving inspiration. (This is my first new song in 6 years, and it came together very quickly – so in my mind it was definitely inspired). Initially, I thought it was the long over-due love song for my wife – and it is – but as I pondered the lyrics, I realized it actually has a double meaning. The “you” I was looking for could also be Christ.

As concerns looking for my wife, Diana, one could say my search is over – I have found her and our marriage is one of great joy – and the ballad in the lyrics is complete. In other words, I no longer sigh with an empty longing during a good chick-flick. When we turn the focus to Christ, though, it is most certainly not complete, as I continue to look for Him.

Lately, I’ve had occasion to ask myself why I continue look for Him; why I continue to seek His face. I’ve read or listened to multiple accounts from those who have had a “Second Comforter” experience. For me, it’s hard not to be jealous. Although I tell myself I’m not, (I refuse to be is actually more like it), I really do have to fight it. It’s also hard not to view such experiences and the relating of them as a status symbol among those of us who acknowledge that a personal visitation from the Savior is not only possible, not only desirable, but approaching a commandment. Obviously, to be jealous or view them as a status symbol is itself highly undesirable, and such tendencies must be rejected immediately. To seek after His face in order to elevate ourselves in the eyes of others feels like a horrible, particularly heinous transgression.

Still, I ask myself why. Personally, I’ve had some recent setbacks in my journey into His presence. These personal setbacks have likewise prompted some soul searching. “Why do I seek Him?” What price am I willing to pay? My recent experiences have included one instance where I found that I was not willing to pay the price asked. I was stunned, of course, and quite discouraged. What does this mean?!! It is clear now that I am not willing, or not prepared, to offer the sacrifice of all earthly things. Am I damned? Will I never see His face? Am I now unqualified to receive and exercise the priesthood(s) needed to fully serve Him and His children? Are my dreams of Zion even possible?

Obviously, no person who is sincerely seeking after righteousness would experience this without great soul searching. I’d like in this post to share some of the results of that searching:

I am fallen. I am imperfect and filled with jealousies and fears – of which I must strip myself if I would see His face. (D&C 67:10) There are some in my life whom I have yet to forgive. Still, for some reason, as a result of sheer grace I suppose, I am able to know to whom I look for my completeness, and I still sense what that completeness is like. (I am reminded of the Psalm of Nephi from 2 Nephi chapter 4) I know, deep, deep inside, the meaning of “…to fulfill the measure of their creation”. It’s as if I can see across the chasm between the fallen me and the exalted me. To be sure, I still believe that I will cross that chasm someday, somehow.

That completeness for which I hunger and thirst…which is manifest in Christ…is defined by righteousness, honesty, kindness, patience, long-suffering, justice, mercy, wisdom, knowledge, charity, and, ultimately, power – the power that can only be derived from perfect goodness; by the sacrifice of all earthly things. I know Him in this way. I feel Him. I can’t really describe how I know Him, but I do. I feel His goodness, His righteousness, His perfection. It’s in me in spite of myself. He has not left me because I was unprepared to sacrifice that which (I think) He asked of me. When I commune with Him, He is still there, and He is still all of those things I just described. Even more, there’s something that I know and feel that I simply can’t put into words. Perhaps it is His essence, or His perfection. I don’t know, and I have no idea how to relate it, but it is real and it is part of my knowledge.

I am humbled, of course, by what I perceive to be a great failure. I seek even more fervently than before His forgiveness and patience, praying that He will continue to guide me down my path, the path that I must follow. It is indeed a strait and narrow path, but I pray it will remain open to me. I honestly believe it will, even if I don’t deserve it.

Many of you know that in the past year I have quit my job, resigned from the church, and moved away from Salt Lake City – all in response to what I believe the Lord asked me to do. Diana and I went through this process with great hope and enthusiasm…we were going to help build Zion! We were doing what the Lord asked of us, and making a great, extraordinary sacrifice. (actually, you can read more about this “sacrifice” here) We did indeed exercise considerable faith. Our faith remains steadfast, but we have been humbled – very humbled. Reality is often a harsh teacher. We have been taught much about ourselves and each other. We have learned much love, (Much love! Please do not let any melancholy tone of this post detract from the beauty that prevails in our lives) but we have mostly learned how far we, as individuals, need to progress before we can ever hope to accomplish all that the Lord needs done. Similar to my own recent personal experience, we have discovered that the path to fulfilling our dream is strewn with stumbling blocks – both temporal and spiritual. We have learned that we have much more to learn than we previously realized. This is actually progress, though, as learning truth – experiencing reality, regardless of how “harsh” a teacher she may be – is a highly positive step, just as me learning that I am not yet prepared to sacrifice all earthly things is a positive step, in that now I can deal with that unpleasant reality.

So, the path becomes more clear. It is steep, narrow, and strewn with the proverbial stumbling blocks. Why do I continue on this path? I was sharing with my friend today that, even though I really desire to be a great High Priest, to help build Zion, to heal the sick, raise the dead, and “move mountains”; even though I desire to be among the Gentile remnant who will support the Remnant of Jacob in building the New Jerusalem, this cannot be a motivation for me. No, my motivation must be simply that I desire righteousness – that I desire to fulfill the measure of my creation – which measure is to become as nearly Christ-like as I can be. My motivation must be because I seek righteousness and goodness and meekness and perfection for its own sake – not because of some reward or status that awaits at the end (?) of the journey.

My motivation must be because I love Christ. It must be because I believe in Him – in His name – and in His vision of Zion. The execution of this search must be done in great humility, with great patience, and with great trust in Him – in His love, His patience, and His promises.

Lord, I do believe! Please, Please, Please – help thou mine unbelief! Be patient with me as I encounter and seek to overcome these stumbling blocks! I cannot turn away from my pursuit of experiencing your love and your glory while I yet live in mortality. I understand that I may not receive this supernal gift, perhaps because of my own inadequacy and fear, but I cannot stop asking. I cannot stop seeking. I cannot be permanently distracted from my quest. If I am temporarily side-tracked or lose focus, know forever that I love you, and I believe in Zion, and I will find my way back. I believe in goodness and love and perfection of spirit. I believe in beauty and charity and perfect kindness. I truly believe that the universe is bound together by your perfect love and the perfect love of our Heavenly Parents.

Lord, if there are some who would recoil at the knowledge you have given me of my imperfections, and perhaps even turn away, know that I will not do that. I will continue to seek after your face and seek to fulfill the expectations that you have of me. Lord, I will continue, forever…

Looking for you.

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5 comments on “Looking for You – A Love Song

  1. Hi Scott, I understand Brother. I stand with you, desiring the same. You are not alone.
    May you and Diana be blessed in your journey there. You are missed here.

    Val

  2. This is beautiful, Scott. Refreshing.

  3. Just remember old friend, it isn’t called enduring to the end for nothing! Keep up the good works!

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