Note: Obviously, this is the third of my posts entitled “Conversation with God”. I do not mean for these to be irreverent, or to betray any kind of sacred intimacy. I do not post all of them. They are not word-for-word transcripts of my prayer, and are typically a composite of multiple prayers that eventually come together in such a way that they convey a specific message or concept. I share these when I think they might be of value to someone else on their journey. I guess I also hope that they convey a message that we can each have this intimacy during prayer – if we ask boldly and listen for answers. I believe that God Himself craves this familiarity – born of love and not of irreverence – and that He is overjoyed when we approach Him as a mentor and a friend, confident in His love and in His understanding.
Father, I still want to see my Savior. Even with all the stuff that’s been going on lately – all the questions, doubts, and struggles, I still look forward to receiving that blessing. I don’t want to lose sight of that.
Seeing the Savior won’t solve your problems.
I know. We’ve discussed that before. But you know, I’m not looking for it to solve my problems – or at least I know I shouldn’t be. I know that, if such were the case, it would rob me of the opportunity to become perfected.
Then why do you want to see Him?
Hmmm. That’s a very good question. It’s not to promote my faith, that’s for sure. I KNOW you’re there, and that you love me, and that you keep your promises. I KNOW that I have a place in your kingdom. I have other issues of unbelief – my faith must continue growing – but that’s just going to take work and persistence and patience. Perhaps I’m looking for a reassurance of my status in thine eyes – a testament of my worthiness – that the course of my life is pleasing unto thee. (Lectures on Faith pg. 36) Of course, that’s not good. It’s still a cheap shortcut. Boy, I’ve sure got a lot of work to do. But I’m committed to doing this, Heavenly Father. No matter how hard it is, no matter how long it takes, I want to become someone that you can not only love, but someone you can be proud of. I want to become someone who glorifies thee by every action.
Ok – that’s all true. There aren’t any shortcuts. So – why do you want to see my only begotten?
Yes, let’s figure this out please. I know my desire is real, but it also needs to be pure. It can’t be tainted in any way. It can’t be because I’m seeking status among thy children – which is a real pitfall for me. It can’t be because I’m looking for a shortcut to perfection. This is all consistent with something I’ve been trying to do. Father, as you know, I often teach the men at the jail to envision themselves all alone in an empty white room. While they are there, a door opens and a man walks in. They immediately somehow recognize Him as the Savior, Jesus Christ. At first, they are nervous, because before Him all their sins become very heavy. However, that nervousness quickly goes away as He walks across the room, takes them into His arms, and hugs them. His love and forgiveness flows and warms. He hugs them for as long as it takes for them to know that He knows them, that He understands them, that He loves them, and that their sins are forgiven. Father, I’ve been trying to envision that white room in my own mind – but it’s always gray and mottled. There’s interference from my “day to day”, from my imperfections, from my own selfish desires. But something tells me that even this is wrong, because I’m trying to make my own room white so I can receive Him. I can’t do that, Lord! I can’t make my own room white! I need Him to purify it. Yet, I feel like I need to make it pure and white before He can come in. This, I guess, is a conundrum I’ve constructed for myself. I need Him to make me pure, but I can’t receive Him until I’m pure.
I’ve also come to understand, Heavenly Father, that I have to be prepared to receive His love. I can never “deserve” it. I can never become “worthy”. I have to be humble enough to simply accept His love, freely given. If I were to expect myself to be worthy of His love, it would overwhelm me – it might even kill me. No, I must simply humble myself and accept it.
Yes, now we’re getting somewhere, but you’re talking about how – like you can make it happen. You know it doesn’t work that way. We still need to answer the question – WHY do you want to see Him?
I KNOW! It’s because He is the Second Comforter! I need comfort! Father, you help me constantly to examine myself. I’m a good man. I’m motivated a lot by my desire to love others, but I’m still subject to fear and selfishness and jealousy and unbelief. I could just cruise, but you’ve made it clear that this will not bring me joy. So, I have a terrestrial heart – a zion heart, with celestial hopes, but I’m living in a telestial world with telestial imperfections. It’s hard! I’m not complaining. Life would be quite empty without the challenges and the hopes and the “sacrifices” – I love the life that you have given me, but it IS hard, and you promised that you would send another comforter.
Yes, I did, and I always keep my promises. You must still wait – yet a while longer.
I will wait, Father. I will be patient. I will trust, I will learn, I will become. However, I will not forget, and I will not give up. That is my promise to you. If I’m not mistaken, this is another covenant – a covenant between us.
Yes, my son. It is a covenant – between us.
Thank you, Lord, for your love, and your patience, and your understanding. I love you!
You’re welcome, my son. I love you, too!